Giving Thanks
“...Give thanks, yeah. Tell de devil keep his distance, yeah.”
This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous to some of you, but the closest thing to a Gospel song that has transformed my life is Popcaan’s Unruly Prayer.
Now, I’m not going to pretend that Popcaan is the greatest role model or an exemplar of Christianity, or any faith. Mostly because I don’t have the power to say yes or no to that - everyone’s looking for their own salvation, me included. What I can tell you, though, is that I heard this song for the first time in maybe two years today. And I almost burst into tears.
Yes, it’s okay for some of you to chuckle at that. It is kind of ridiculous. But it’s also absolutely serious.
When I first came upon this song, I was working as a host of a weekday morning show, and hosting another show on weekends. Strangely, at the station I used to work at, it used to play every morning like clockwork, right before the national anthem. So, while I was trying to make a morning cup of tea at the studio before the show started, this song would greet me. I thought to myself, what an interesting prayer to greet people on their mornings to work or school or wherever they were going. But, as my own personal ritual, I’d make my cup of tea and sit and ‘pray’ with Popcaan before the day’s work began. If anything, it was just a part of my routine back then.
But that’s not what the song reminds me of. It sends my mind back instead to about two years ago, where I was filled with rage and sadness - my family was distancing themselves from me for telling the truth about abuse committed by another immediate family member to a friend of mine, and so were many mutual friends in the arts for speaking up against similar abuse in the Spoken Word community. I felt alone, unsure whether I would ever ever have a home again. It was even more devastating because it was because I did what I felt, and still very much feel, was the right thing to say and do. But, thankfully, I still had basically the same morning ritual - make a cup of tea, put this song on, and sit to ‘pray’.
I can’t help but think, as I’m writing this, about all the times that my mother said that I would wake up in the morning with not even a prayer. I realize, now, that I’ve been praying, the whole time. Just that my prayers are a little more unorthodox, I suppose…
So how did it cross my mind to listen to it today? I’m miles away from all the things and people I know and Love, only three weeks into living in a brand new place. For the last couple days, my fiancée has been bombarding me with pictures of my cats, who I miss dearly. I remembered that it’s around this time two years ago, in the midst of me feeling sorry for myself, that we got our very first one, Dark Chocolate.
Giving thanks for this adorable clutz.
It’s also around this time that I started living with the Love of my life, after leaving that tumultuous home situation - leaving all the self-doubt and panics attacks and loneliness that it gave me, too. It was with my fiancée and our amazing house of cats, for the first time in years, that I felt at home. Me listening to this song every morning, while my then girlfriend was at work and that little black furball slept under the desk while I wrote, was my weird reminder to give thanks for them. Now is the first time since then that I haven’t been home, with them. But it’s times like now, where I miss them till my heart breaks, that I also give thanks for having a heart that breaks, and them taking up every corner of it.
I also give thanks for the honor and privilege of missing them the way I do now - I’m here in Washington DC for the Community Solutions Program, an amazing opportunity I never thought I could have, working with an incredible organization of artists and advocates for youth and community and the arts. It’s like Popcaan says…
“Look how much youth deh a jailhouse.
Me neva haffi deh a road.
Look how much youth deh a graveyard.
Me neva haffi deya doh.”
I’m aware of how lucky I am, and have been, for all of my youth. And in these moments, when I feel doubtful and scared and even undeserving, it’s important to remember to simply give thanks. As part of my fellowship, last week we had online lectures and conversations about the routines we would create or retain to stay resilient while we’re here. Of course, many of us spoke about exercising and calling family members. A couple folks spoke about praying. I guess I never thought about that last one this way. But one thing’s for sure - while I’m here contemplating how much I have and how much I miss, I’ll be singing the hymn Popcaan taught me.
“Kapheira haffi give thanks, yeah.
DC haffi give thanks, yeah.
Amaretto haffi give thanks, yeah.
Tira haffi give thanks, yeah.
Mushroom haffi give thanks, yeah.
Butterbeer haffi give thanks, yeah.
Tevin haffi give thanks, yeah.
Gina haffi give thanks, yeah.
Nick Soul haffi give thanks, yeah.
Priestess haffi give thanks, yeah.
Sobek haffi give thanks, yeah.
Touya haffi give thanks yeah....
Tell the devil keep him distance, yeah.”
“All the glory unto God.
I will never be ungrateful.”
